My Little Black Book - okay, maybe its Grey.

13 years ago I was sitting on the floor of the bookstore I worked, sifting through books that had just arrived.  That was kind of my thing, reading.  I loved, and still do, the way a story can take you away from everything.  Or the way an inspirational author can push you to test your limits and beyond.  It was on one of these days that I found a book that I have carried with me through everything.  I've read it.  Read it again.  Gave it away.  Bought it again.  Ear marked it.  Lost it.  Bought it again.  I never stop loving this book, and the reason is simple: it always centers me.  It brings me back to where I know my soul is centered.

Lately I've been dealing with wedding stress, which is, at the core, family/friend/money stress.  I'm sure you are thinking, "of course you are, who doesn't?"  And you would be right, but I don't think anything prepares you for this. And by no means am I saying my crazy stress is worse than anyone else's crazy stress.  But FOR THE LOVE, Shit goes crazy.  People change.  Weddings are not as easy as Style Me Pretty would have you think.  And although I've been dealing with it for months and searching for my center in it, I haven't been able to locate it.  So I did, what I always do - I went back to my book.

And these words are where I found my center:

IT DOESN’T INTEREST ME WHERE OR WHAT OR WITH WHOM

YOU HAVE STUDIED.

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT SUSTAINS YOU

FROM THE INSIDE

WHEN ALL ELSE FALLS AWAY

I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN BE ALONE

WITH YOURSELF

AND IF YOU TRULY LIKE THE COMPANY YOU KEEP

IN THE EMPTY MOMENTS.

And I've realized that what sustains me, what has always sustained me, has been my faith in knowing who I am and what I want in life.  (I sort of want to insert a music clip of "Can't nobody hold me down, can't nobody take my pride...." - you get the picture).  And that I do like the company I keep in the empty moments.  And so I started thinking about how important it is that we are all stressed and worrying about just one thing - do you like the company you keep in the empty moments?

And I do.  And I hope you do, too.  But if you don't, or maybe you just haven't considered it, you should cultivate yourself so much that when all else falls you have enough to just keep on trekking.  Make yourself laugh more than you make other people laugh.  Pick yourself up off the floor before anyone even knows your down.  In my case, plan the wedding you've dreamed and let everyone else work out their own shit.  Cultivate you.  People might call you selfish, but if you aren't looking out for you, then who will? 

Monkeys are running the ship

Today I can't help but feel a sense of restlessness; a sense of being overwhelmed. A feeling of everything being started but nothing finished. Absolutely nothing is finished. And its sending me over the edge. And although you don't know me quite yet, what I should tell you is that I'm not a person who deals with things (life) that isn't progressing to a specified end. To say I have a control problem might not do it justice. So sitting here with this overwhelming feeling of too much happening, or to little depending on how you think about it, is causing me to take drastic measures.

Clearly drastic because I've 1) started a blog and 2) put together massive bags for goodwill

I've filled 3 bags of stuff for Goodwill. I don't even have things that need to go - but I do have a need to feel less cluttered and more "done." The need in my psyche wins out over the need to be more frugal. But now, those bags are sitting in the hall waiting to go to Goodwill in the morning and its like they are calling out to me, "Hey lady, we're still here....right here... you didn't win, we just moved." I must pause to take them to the car where they can't taunt me.

Whew.

But seriously, now they are waiting (i.e. taunting) for me in the car. I'm trying to figure out when I am going to find time to go to Goodwill. I guess I could squeeze it in tomorrow between the 6 hour meeting, ordering the new furniture, picking up the contacts, asking the future sister in law to be in the wedding and dealing with some other wedding drama. Right, that's exactly where I'll fit in this quick 45 minute trip to goodwill. And I certainly can't ask the boy to go because he would tell me he's going to go and then they would just sit in his car for a week. That. Will. Not. Do. As you can see, this is an unbearable situation that needs remedy.

I'm not sure who is running this ship anymore. I'm quite sure its not me. I am sitting here in a state of utter paralysis and just hoping that the monkeys who keep my career afloat do non corporate work as well.

I think the only remedy is Xanax. Or potentially a nice padded room. But I'd need the Xanax just so that while I was in the room I wasn't thinking about all the things that weren't happening outside those sweet, lovely doors. Clearly I need both. Immediately if not sooner.

Send in the reinforcements.