The In-Law Lottery

I’m struggling with something lately.  I thought that parents were supposed to be adults?  That sibling’s were supposed to have that “blood matters more than water” type of mentality?  I have recently learned that neither of these things ring true for some families.  The only thing that matters to some families is getting their own way – and being stubborn enough to ensure that there is no other choice.  This doesn’t have to do with my family but with my amazing husbands.  

Sadly, I have this happening in my life.  I’m just going to vent for a minute, so if that’s not the kind of post you want to read about, then stop here and skip down to my last paragraph which I hope, will have the kind of feel good message you want.

I recently spent some time with a woman in my office who is retiring.  She and her husband have 2 sons who are grown, married and have children of their own.  They have been married 48 years – and very happily, even through the challenges.  I asked her how they transitioned when their boys got married and I heard some very wise advice that I wanted to share.  Larry, the husband, spoke up at that point and said, “On the day of our sons weddings, I pulled each of them aside and said “You see that woman you are about to marry?  She’s your number one.  Everything else gets in line after that, son. And I mean Everything else.  If you don’t treat her like she’s your number one, you won’t have the marriage of your dreams.  You will have kids that you love unconditionally, but they will grow up and find a number one of their own.  So always remember, she’s yours.  Make it matter.”  These words just floored me.  Both he and his wife echoed the sentiments that they raised their boys to understand all that goes into that philosophy.  Linda mentioned her policy is to “never say an unkind thing about my sons or their families, or how they should parent or live” and to always maintain the philosophy, “always welcome but never expected” when it came to holidays, birthdays, etc.  Ultimately, the culture they created in their home for their adult children was one of inclusion and friendship – not of the child/mother/father dynamic.  It worked for them.  They are very close with their daughters-in-law and see their grandchildren weekly.  A very happy family story.

 What a great story, right?  I thought so too – and it made me even sadder for the situation my husband and I are in.  I did not win the in-law lottery, especially the MIL.   My MIL doesn’t speak to any of her own family – mom, dad, brothers, and sisters – nor does she speak to her husband’s family (mom and dad.)  And now she doesn’t speak to us.  Well technically I guess you can say we aren’t speaking to her either.  She only speaks to her daughter – someone who is not interested in standing up to her.  A quick rundown of her drama: She tried on many occasions to damage our wedding.  She encouraged her daughter’s boyfriend to ask her daughter to marry him, 2 weeks after we got engaged and then lied about her involvement.  She tried to wear a black dress to our wedding (the wedding was light pinks) after I provided her some examples of colors/styles.  She got upset about me not spending enough time with her while I was getting ready the morning of the wedding.  At the actual wedding she made sure that everyone who she knew was informed of how badly she was treated over the entire year.  The next morning she sent me a hateful text message about “NEVER FORGIVING ME.”  She refused to come to the family Christmas because we would be there.  And most recently, she has encouraged her son that when he gets divorced they will still be there for him.  As well as pressuring his sister who is getting married in a month to not have him stand up for her in the wedding (all of the other brothers and sisters are in it), nor invite me to any of the parties (they were both invited to all of mine.) and basically make sure we are not included in anything.  Because we know weddings are short, but family is forever, we included all of them in every step of our wedding.  Apparently they don't agree with that sentiment.

I am so angry.  I don’t know what to do with my anger.  When I dig under it, I know it’s partially hurt but I think it’s hurt for what they are doing to Derek and anger for what they are trying to do to my husband and I’s marriage.  They are trying to get him to choose them, over his wife.  I would never make him choose, but I sometimes get really upset, which I am sure is sort of like him having to choose.  I’ve tried to focus on the happy aspects of our lives (and there are so stinkin many), but there’s some ‘eye for an eye’ type mentality in me that wants to say hateful things right back at them. I won't, but it exists.  At any rate, that’s my story – and I’m saddened to even write it.  And I’m saddened that I can’t just “rise above it.”  I’m confident that one day soon, I will rise above it, but in the mean time – it makes me sad.  So if anyone has any advice, and please not the “you forgive others for yourself, not for them” I would LOVE to hear stories, strategies and inspirational ideas that helped you move on.

So for all my friends who are parents, I encourage you to develop a culture of “everybody is welcome” with your family and that when your children grow up and get married that they understand that they are truly starting their own family, and with your blessing.  It’s not just making your family (as the parent) bigger – they get to start their own, and with the right amount of love and inclusion both your child’s family of origin and his family of choice, will be able to coexist as a big happy family.  When we have our children, this is what I will strive to build in my home - a loving, inclusive, kind, forgiving family that I can't wait for my son/daughter to find someone who will love them as much, or more, as I will as a parent.     It genuinely makes me sad to even say, "I didn't win the in-law lottery" but I guess what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and now I will ensure that one day my future daughter or son (in law) will be able to say, "I totally won the in-law lottery!"